My second MudRun: Channeling Zack Mayo and…Sergeant Foley

Screen Shot 2015-06-11 at 12.02.38 PM

 

Look, I have a very healthy imagination.

And being slightly injured on my second 10k Mud Run, my imagination served me well. The race was at Camp Pendelton’s Marine Corps Base and I had an entire military movie montage playing in my head. When I wanted to give up climbing up the steep half mile slippery mud mountain, I pretended I was Mayo in an Officer and a Gentleman and Louis Gossett Jr. was egging me on. As I crawled headfirst through mud under a mesh cargo net, I pretended I was Judy Benjamin and Eileen Brennan was egging me on. As I climbed over a ten foot wall and dropped into a muddy sludge pit, I pretended I was Maverick and Tom Skerritt was egging me on.

Notice the constant theme? A) I always made myself the anti-hero and B) I was always egged on.

Motivation comes from a myriad of places and I’ve always been someone who needed a coach, a badass, a motivator to push me to my limit. But doing these 10k obstacle mudruns has been motivation in itself. And I don’t do it for the tee shirt, which is super cute, or the free beer, which is super refreshing, or the camaraderie of amazing friends and fellow athletes, which is super fun….unless you get stuck in Tustin…I do it to challenge myself.

 

And whenever I cross the finish line and have the dime store medal hung around my neck, I feel an enormous sense of pride, of accomplishment, of strength.

 

Because, I’ve finally figured out that I’m both Maverick and Viper. I’m both Private Judy Benjamin and Captain Doreen Lewis. I’m both Zack Mayo and Sergeant Foley. There’s a coach and a player in all of us, and sometimes it takes an obstacle course to discover the deliciously dysfunctional marriage.

mudrun mudrun open Screen Shot 2015-06-11 at 12.33.07 PM


8:08

I did not want to run the timed mile today.

IMG_5957I ‘get’ that it’s part of my path to fitness; however, we had just been timed a couple of weeks ago and I am a big believer that progress should be checked monthly….not 24 arbitrary days later.

So, I planned a protest. Now, the protest was primarily in my own head so it was a fairly ineffectual protest but I was determined. I was simply not going to run my hardest. I’ve done it before. A lot, actually… through a great deal of my field hockey and lacrosse timed miles when I was protesting something or other.

I even ran today BEFORE the timed mile so that I’d be more tired and irritated when it came time to run. And, I was prepared to protest. It was in my psyche. The art of protest was pulsating through my body.

Yet, when we lined up, our commander-in-chief said very simply, “Run because you can. Run for the people who can’t.” Well, that just completely fucked me up. What did she mean run because I can? Yes, she was talking to the twelve other people who were about to run a timed mile, but I was listening on a deeply spiritual level.

What did she mean?

After assiduously working out for seven months, I am super strong. I have my wits and heart and courage. Hell, I’m the fucking scarecrow and tinman and dorothy and lion all wrapped up into one. Who am I to not run my hardest?  Of course I can run my best. Of course I should run my best. There are so many people who can’t physically run and I am holding a weird silent protest over four days. What is wrong with me?

So, she says start and I run. And I run my best. Seven months ago when I started this auspicious journey, my mile was thirteen minutes and I threw up twice. Each month I’ve gotten faster: 12:57, 10:58, 10:02, 9:07…. and today, the day of my ineffectual protest, I ran it in 8:08.

Because I could.


Fuck the “What Ifs”… My first Obstacle Race

Screen Shot 2015-04-12 at 11.53.35 AMWhen do we stop climbing on jungle gyms? Because, as a kid, I used to climb on them all of the time. The higher the better. I would climb and jump and swing, completely oblivious of danger and fully devoid of fear.

I’d climb and play and eat milk and cookies. I would live.

So, when do we stop? When we move from elementary school playground chaos to middle school hormonal hell? When boys and boobs are top of mind and gossiping trumps play? After elementary school, I stopped climbing. I stopped climbing… until today.

IMG_9633 copyToday, I did my first obstacle race. It was a 10k, peppered with creative obstacles including several wall climbs, military walls, rope climbs, jungle gym climbs, mud pits, marine hurdles, ladder walls, tunnel crawls and water crossings. I was a virgin, having never done one before and I went with four friends and fellow badass bootcampers. who were all excellent athletes as well as race veterans. I wish I  could say it was an enormous emotional revelation and personal triumph…but, honestly, it was just fun. Really fun.

And it reminded me of being a kid and letting go of all fear. Sure, some of the walls were super high…but I refused to “think” about conquering them…I just did them. Our brains are so powerful and so self sabotaging that if we give them an inch, they’ll take the mile… what if I fall, what if I slip, what if I hurt myself, what if….

Fuck the what ifs and just do. I didn’t think, I just did and it was amazing. It was joyous. It was liberating.

It was fun.

Obstacle races are playgrounds for grownups… the only thing missing is the post race milk and cookies. But I suppose I will settle for smoked gouda and a nice cabernet.


Down the Rabbit Hole – a poem about finding hope

     Last night, was my last grief group. Apparently, sanctioned grief is only supposed to last for 18 months…at least that’s what the experts say. And the experts aren’t necessarily wrong… although the grief continues… it just changes course. Joining a grief group was one of the best things I did because it enabled me to meet people who were on a very similar journey, it allowed me to open up my heart to strangers who understood, it allowed me company as I navigated  uncharted territory. Every other week for 18 months, we would close each grief group with a poem. A random grief poem…some good, some not so good. And I, naturally, after twenty odd poems thought “I can do better”. So, I did. I wrote this poem… for the survivors. For the 8 people I spent the last 18 months with. For the random strangers who are now steadfast friends.

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

(a poem for Adina, Sarah, Kim, Sherrie, Doug, Jennifer, Pam & Sheryl)

Like an earthquake, Grief shakes you when you least expect it; throwing you off center and rattling the core of your very being.

Like a tsunami, grief washes over you; flooding your entire body and soaking you both inside and out.

Like a hurricane, Grief blows you so far off course so that you’re barely hanging on by the tips of your fingers.

Grief is the biggest disaster of all because FEMA can’t come in and clean it up.

Grief trumps earthquakes because you will feel its aftershocks your entire life. You don’t know when they’re coming and they are both paralytic and terrifying.

alice02aGrief drops more rainfall than tsunamis because once the floodgates have been opened, the tears refuse to stop falling.

And unlike global warming, they are triggered by something as simple as a smell, a word, a song.

Grief blows harder than a hurricane because you will never quite find your center again. There is now a piece of you which is missing and no matter how much you try to over compensate, you will always have a limp in your heart.

Once you go down the rabbit hole of grief, you have no idea how and when you will get out. It is a destination in which you can’t use a compass. It is a place you can’t lookup on Google Maps.

It is off the grid.

Yet, unlike Alice, you are not alone. Others are also falling, and together, you will learn to navigate the course.

You will discover the nooks and crannies.

You will become cartographers of the uncharted territory.

You will find the others. The others who feel your pain and cry your tears. The others whose hearts hurt. Because they know.

They’ve been shaken by that same cataclysmic earthquake.

They’ve been drenched by that same devastating tsunami.

They’ve been blown off kilter by that same destructive hurricane

And like you, they will survive.

                                                                       -Colette Freedman

 

(note. “Grief management” liked the poem so much, it’s now officially in their repertoire)


The difference between being tough & being stupid

I’ve always been tough.

I have a super high pain threshold and I can’t stand complainers. So, I rarely complain. When I broke my left hand playing lacrosse my freshman year of high school, I hid it from everyone until I passed out. I then taught myself how to be ambidextrous in case it happened again. And it did, over and over. Playing eight years of high school and college field hockey and lacrosse, I managed to break nine of my fingers, tear my meniscus and break my nose, twice. So I got bandaged up and kept playing, because that’s what athletes do. Because athletes are tough and a few broken bones are not going to keep us from performing.Screen shot 2015-02-16 at 6.16.00 AM

On the other end of the spectrum is being stupid. Being stupid is having an asthma attack and hoping it will go away. Being stupid is sucking down three out of code inhalers and willing your lungs to expand. Being stupid is wondering how many Benadryl you can ingest before the crushing feeing in your lungs goes away. And it’s hard to know the difference between being tough and being stupid. Because it’s a fine, fine line.

Recently, I had a cat induced asthma attack to end all asthma attacks. The kind you see in movies where the dorky asthmatic kid conveniently forgets his inhaler just as he is about to go into the haunted house. As you watch the poor schlub pass the point of no return, knowing his inevitable fate, you think… dumb schmuck…I would have remembered the inhaler, I would have done it differently. But you don’t. Because right in that moment you are feigning tough when you are actually being quite stupid. Painfully and ignorantly stupid.

I should know, I am clearly the queen if misnavigating the fine line.

The long of the short of it is, if you have an asthma attack, just go to the fucking hospital and get it taken care of. Get the painful shot in your ass, suck down the steroid nebulizer. Get the prescription meds and inhalers. Don’t spend three days trying to will it away. Because asthma has a will of its own. Be tough. Don’t be stupid.


Yoga: The art of stilling one’s mind & anchovy pizza

20100130-anchovyThe core philosophy of yoga is to listen to what your body needs and to still your mind. I have never been good at either one of those. Because every time I listen to my body, it wants anchovy pizza and every time I try to still my mind, it tries to figure out what kind of anchovy pizza I want. The local Italian place on my corner is a terrific mom and pop place and you can’t beat the convenience; however, the thin crust is a little too thin and the thick crust is too doughy. And that is what my stilled mind focuses on. Not world peace, not global warming… anchovy pizza.

One of my oldest and dearest friends is visiting me. She is a yogi. She owns a yoga studio. She’s fit. She’s zen. So, naturally, she wanted to check out the local yoga scene. And I was determined to be mindful. To listen to my body. To not think about anchovy pizza. Breathe in and breathe out. Having recently embarked on my own journey to fitness two and a half months ago, I am getting physically stronger. I can now do plank and chatarunga. I am a pro at Savasana. Which, incidentally, sounds like vichyssoise. I love Vichyssoise. Several years ago, I was walking in the village in New York and it started to rain. In order to avoid buying a $15 umbrella, I popped into a restaurant and bought a $20 bowl of soup. It was one of those restaurants which is in the basement of a non-descript brownstone and I had the best Vichyssoise ever. A thick hot soup of onions, potatoes, puréed leeks and cream. I can still taste that soup. So every time the teacher says Savasana, I think about Vichyssoise. And every time she tells me listen to what my body needs, I think about anchovy pizza. Focus, Breathe in, breathe out. I understand why yoga is a practice…because you definitely need to practice it to “get it”. And, I’m not sure I get it. I like it, but I don’t get it. Because my mind is too busy to still.

Determined not to think about anchovy pizza, I pretended I was Katniss Everdeen during warrior pose. During tree pose, I pretended I was on Survivor gunning to get the immunity necklace. I tried to be mindful during each pose but when my stomach grumbled, it kept going back to the pizza. It was about halfway through the class when I had a revelation, an epiphany, an enlightenment. It was ten o’clock in the morning. It was way too early to be obsessing over anchovy pizza.

For the rest of class, my body told me it needed French Toast.


Food Porn – The Grilled Cheese Sandwich

grilled-cheese-closeupEveryone eats turkey on Thanksgiving, why? In my humble opinion, it’s a weird choice. Sure, it’s a native bird of North America and an incredibly “convenient” option…except for the turkey, but there are so many other options to choose from these days: roast beef, lamb, chicken, grilled cheese sandwiches. Yes, grilled cheese sandwiches. Because Thanksgiving is a day we are to give thanks. It is a day we are to be grateful. And while we are generally grateful for family and friends, personally, I am grateful for bread and cheese – because they are perfect foods.

In our overly deconstructed food world, everyone and their daughter is on some sort of limited meal plan: Paleo, Gluten free, Dairy Free, Mayo Clinic, Mediterranean, Volumetrics, Anti-Inflammatory, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig…the list of both well known and obscure eating plans goes on and on. And on and on. And on and on. And they all have one thing in common. They hate bread and cheese.

Can a food plan be called racist? Exclusionary? Rude?

Because both carbs and dairy are the first two categories to be thrown under the bus and kicked to the curb. Poor things. I feel that it is my responsibility to stand up for them. Become the champion for the rights of carbs and dairy. Bread alone and cheese alone are fine, quasi interesting and mildly satisfying. But, combining them into a grilled sensation…there is nothing quite like it.

The key to the perfect grilled cheese sandwich is patience. Pick a bread, any bread…though sourdough has the ideal consistency. Butter it on both sides and let the first side grill for a minute in the frying pan (yes, the double butter grill is a secret ingredient we grilled cheese chefs use to make sure the bread is perfectly grilled through and through). Then flip the bread. If you like mustard, spreading a thin layer of dijon on the exposed bread will give the sandwich another layer of flavor and a punch of spice. Next, layer on the cheese… this is an extremely personal choice; however, if you can’t decide, use a few. I’m a big fan of hard cheddar and spicy jack. Next, put a second pot on top the first frying pan to seal in the heat and to let the cheese melt. In the meantime, grill some onions and have them ready to pepper on top of the melted cheese. Once the cheese has started to melt, put the two sides together and put the pan back on top. You are now cooking your grilled cheese sandwich from both the inside out and the outside in. This is the delicate part as the bottom piece of bread can burn fairly easily…so keep an eye on it. Then, take it out, plate it and eat it.

What is a better way to celebrate Thanksgiving than with the food you grew up on, the food that comforted you and the food that is guaranteed to taste better than an overcooked dry turkey.

Live a little. It’s okay to break tradition.


I went to a doughnut wedding and…

Image 5 I went to a doughnut wedding.

I went to a doughnut wedding and I’m on a super intense, discipline driven boot camp program where I’m not supposed to eat carbs. Now, let’s get something straight…I love carbs. I love carbs so much that I could marry carbs. But I wouldn’t have a doughnut wedding, I would have a pizza wedding. In fact, I would get married to a pizza. An Anchovy and Garlic pizza and I would cheat on it a few times a week with lightly toasted onion bagels, cream cheese and lox. I’d be a huge food adulterer as I pretty much love anything with flour, sugar, cheese and, of course,  wine.

Wine would definitely be my mistress. Or Macaroni and Cheese. Or doughnuts.

Because I love doughnuts. For better or for worse. Til death do us part. I’m not even a hoity toity Krispy Kreme girl, I’ll take Entenmanns, Little Debbies, Hostess. I’ll even go into Albertson’s and buy a single doughnut for $1.39.

My last book, The Affair, started with the heroine eating an entire bag of doughnettes as she wrote Xmas Cards. That heroine was me. Is me. I have actually spent 45 minutes at Dunkin’ Doughnuts choosing the perfect bakers dozen to take home. I usually end up with three old fashioned, two chocolate glazed, two jelly, one sugar, one Boston Creme, one sprinkles and three crullers. Forget the fact that doughnuts have between 300 and 400 calories. I could EASILY polish off two or three at a time.

And don’t even get me started on doughnut holes…. doughnuts

So, I went to a doughnut wedding and I couldn’t eat the doughnuts. There were piles of them. Colorful piles of freshly fried dough, beckoning to me, whispering under their breath, “Eat me. C’mon. Just do it. You know you want to.” And I did. I did want to. But I also wanted to prove to myself that I could stick with this godforsaken program. And I didn’t want to disappoint the world’s best trainer as I have major “gotta be the best one on the team” issues from years of playing highly competitive high school and college sports.

And on this particular team, doughnuts are listed in the “NO” column. Trust me, the “NO” column is filled with fun things I’d like to marry. The “YES” column is not fun, is not sexy, is not who you want to spend the rest of your life with. But it is, admittedly, a whole lot healthier than the “NO” column.

So, instead of eating the doughnuts, I took pictures of them. My sick, masochistic way of vicariously enjoying others getting to eat the doughnuts. Sure, I was bitter. But when you’re eating 1,200 calories a day, exercising your butt off and not allowed to eat anchovy and garlic pizza, onion bagels cream cheese and lox, macaroni and cheese… and doughnuts, you’re allowed to be bitter.Image 6

After all, it’s calorie free.


I am losing my war with running

rocky-1024x812Apparently, every other Monday is running day at bootcamp. Had I known this, I might have played hooky today…in the way that I always “conveniently” managed to be in the nurse’s office when our physics teacher gave a pop quiz.

Here’s the problem with running. It doesn’t work unless you have three good things: A good running bra, a pair of good running shoes and a good playlist. My running bra is six years old, my running shoes are two years old and my playlist is non existent. I don’t know ‘what the kids listen to these days’ and I’m not quite sure I’d find Jay-Z inspiring. Although it’s fairly inspiring that I even know who Jay-Z is.

When I used to run….back in the days of the good sports bra, the good running shoes and the decent playlist, I listened to… wait for it as I am truly dating myself: Highway to the Danger Zone from Top Gun, I Need a Hero from Footloose, Eye of the Tiger from the Rocky III training montage and Hearts on Fire from the Rocky IV training montage.

Yes, I was a Rocky obsessed soundtrack slut.

My entire music collection was from 1980’s movies: Footloose, Flashdance, Fame, Top Gun, The Lost Boys, The Big Chill, Pretty in Pink, Dirty Dancing…and, of course, Rocky’s 3 & 4. I still want to be Maverick feeling the need for speed. I would love to be Rocky racing Apollo Creed on the beach or facing a dope injected Dolph Lundgren in the tundra; instead, I’m just a terribly out of shape ex-jock with a bad bra who can barely run a timed mile without puking.

My trainer, who may be the coolest chick on the planet since Jillian Michaels, said it’s all about a good playlist. So, even though my playlist dates back to 1983, I’m going to attempt to follow her advice. Look, I have no desire to be a runner, it is not in my wheelhouse; however, I do want to be strong and in shape and healthy…and if running happens to be one of those unbelievably annoying means to that end…I suppose I should give it a chance and not have such a terrible attitude about it and absolutely everything on this planet it represents. Hmmm….hard to keep my bitterness from seeping through on this one. Still, I’m downloading my four songs and I’ll see where that takes me.  I’m not planning to run a marathon (mainly because I don’t know how to train without eating my daily box of macaroni and cheese…and, APPARENTLY, that’s not on my prescribed eating allowance) My goal is simply to  get my mile down from its embarrassing double digits.

So, really, I just need 7:30 to 9:30 worth of music, depending on how seriously I take my need for speed. And my new super duper eighties playlist has twelve minutes of suitably dated music.

I wonder what Jay-Z listens to when he runs…


Running Sucks

out of shape runnerThere is no other way to say it. Running sucks. I seriously don’t understand the concept of a runner’s high or the euphoria of the ten mile run. When friends run, they go to other places in their mind, places of peace and joy.

I find joy in a bottle of wine and macaroni & cheese.

When most people run, they find rainbows and unicorns. I only find bitterness. The last time I ran, actually ran full out was a decade and a half ago. It was the AIDS marathon which I didn’t train for (pretty much lets you into the mindset of this non runner) I did it because I wanted a free trip to Hawaii. So, I raised the money and ran. I ran, run being the operative word, for the first 14 miles… until my body simply stopped and turned on me, confused why I was asking it to do something completely out of its comfort zone. I crawled the last 12.2 miles and never ran again.  Sure, I biked and swam and walked…fast. But never again did I properly run. Even the triathlons I’ve done were bike-swim-walks.

Which brings me to this week.Which brings me to today. Which brings me to this moment.

This moment of red faced, can’t catch my breath, exhaustion and disgust. After nearly a year and a half of grief, apathy, lethargy and food and alcohol overindulgence, I’ve had a check in with myself. A reevaluation of sorts. Work- check. Social life- check. Health…. well, um, you see, it’s like….. and after as many excuses as I could find on thesaurus.com, I couldn’t find a viable reason why I was so unhealthy. So, I did the hardest thing one could do…I joined a bootcamp with a trainer. It means I’m now sharing the burden of my improbable journey to fitness with someone else. Disbursing some of the responsibility. Having a partner in this ridiculous quest for better health. Because, the fact is…I cannot go it alone. I simply don’t have the willpower which immediately caves in the second someone opens a 1997 brunello or I smell grilled onions on a grilled cheese sandwich.

So, the girl who devotedly watches The Biggest Loser with either a entire box of macaroni and cheese and a six pack, or an entire anchovy pizza and a bottle of wine, is reforming. Is trying to reform. Is making the attempt at reformation.

The bootcamp is four days a week, and I’m not entirely sure I would have signed up if I knew running was involved. My best friend, a marathoner, chided me. “Of course, running is involved. It’s the ultimate form of exercise. It’s the fastest way to burn calories, the most efficient way to get in your cardio, blah, blah, blah.” And it did sound like blah blah blah, because the minute someone mentions running, I tune out and they suddenly turn into the Charlie Brown teacher.  Which is ironic because I CANNOT TUNE OUT when I run. The trainer said, “go to a happy place”. However, when I run, I go to every unhappy place I’ve ever been. My mind is not a pretty place when I’m running, or trying to run, or faking running by walking quickly and moving my hands back and forth so it looks like I’m running. There are no happy places in my mind when I run. Experts say the things you hate are often the best things for you: kale, cardio, running. Who knows, maybe….as I track my progress, I’ll agree with the experts and grow to love to run….perhaps I’ll even make an entire mile without walking and/or throwing up.

All I know, as I embark on my physical and emotional journey to better health…running sucks.