Today, I saw a rough cut of Bridesmaid #3, a short film I wrote which was based on one of my plays. It is an amazing feeling to watch something travel from page to stage. And it’s a revelation to watch it travel from page to film. Because film is a visual medium, I had to cut down a lot of my monologues. With each draft, the long-winded monologues got shorter and shorter. Below is an example of where a ramble became just a few short sentences. (the italicized lines made the film… the rest can still be found in the play Bridesmaid #3)
(A drunk bridesmaid is approached by a nerdy guy at a wedding. She is manic.)
Excuse me. There are over two hundred people at this Liza Minelli-ish wedding extravaganza, why did you purposefully single me out to hit on? If you paid attention during the ceremony, I was bridesmaid number three. Third from the top. The bronze medalist. The one hidden behind the potted fern and stuck between a chubby cousin and an over-perfumed sorority sister.
Nobody ever remembers the nominees. I bet you’ve never heard Regis Philbin say, ‘If for some reason the Bride cannot fulfill her duties, Bridesmaid Number Three will take over her responsibilities.’
You know, weddings are the number one place that couples meet. In FAMILY FEUD, the old one with Richard Dawson, it scored a 43 in the lightning round, winning the game for the Spiegelman Family of New Brunswick, Connecticut, along with a brand new mustard colored Plymouth Duster and a life time supply of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.
Weddings also essentially symbolize the traditional fiesta, which ignites the antiquated convention of marriage, while simultaneously triggering the downward spiral of events towards the inevitability of divorce.
Don’t look at me like that… Idealism was lost on my generation as soon as Christa McAuliffe blew up in the space shuttle. Weddings are not meant to be attended by cynical people who spend the entire time divided between wanting to get loaded on free alcohol and guessing the percentage of length that the couple will stay together. I’m Rebecca Snotgrass.
Why do you think I drink?