How (Not) to Step and Repeat – my first red carpet experience

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I think I may be the last person in Hollywood to know what a “Step and Repeat” is.

I have spent decades pouring over self-esteem-crushing magazines, envying the size zero actresses with their perfectly serene faces, who pose expertly on the red carpet… and wonder just how in the hell they do it.

These women always seem to know exactly how to stand so that their butts looked lifted, their tummies look  flat, their legs look ridiculously long and their arms rival Michelle Obama’s impressively sculpted guns.

When did I miss this incredibly important life lesson?  Was there an elective in college entitled Posing 101?  Could I have earned credit for it? Was I geekily studying Greek mythology, while the real Greek Gods were just down the hall learning how to properly pose? While I was memorizing Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, were they learning how to walk the runway? While I suffered through geometry, were they discovering the angles which looked best on camera?

This week, I did my first step and repeat (stepping onto the red carpet, posing for photographers, while the next person repeats the process) And I realized as I watched the size two CW celebutante who was stepping and repeating ahead of me…it was simply a matter of priorities.  While the Gossip Girl looker and I both probably watched all seventeen seasons of America’s Next Top Model, we probably watch the intellectually stimulating show…differently. She, most likely, spends the full hour running uphill on a treadmill and uses the commerical breaks to have a second  and perhaps (gasp) third piece of sugar free gum; meanwhile, I routinely spend the hour in bed, propped up against soft pillows as I devour  an entire box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese –which, incidentally, I also do during The Biggest Loser as I’m an equal opportunity Mac and Cheese eater. Also, I use the commercial breaks wisely… to top off my wine.

And as you can see from the above pic, I do not have the practiced serene look of my fellow posers; rather, I’m just thinking “When can I take off the heels, rip off the Spanx, wash off the makeup and order a pizza!”

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Showing 9 comments
  • Lynne Moses

    Too funny! After all that build-up, where’s the terrible photo? You look fabulous! Maybe we all need a little more mac & cheese with wine.

  • K. Gaudet

    Ah, me thinks you did sneak out on Chaucer and join those greek gods down the hall in Posing 101. Nice 3/4 turn of the body, strategically placed between two burly men, dark shirt with a nicely ornate vest to distract the eye from any rogue bump or bulge. You and the other femme are even sporting the latest in accessory chic…the hospital bracelet. Don’t sell yourself short sister, all those arduous hours in front of the TV have paid off like gang busters:)

  • JJ Snyder

    I too think your pose is great. Your giving nice profile-face and the hand on the waist is a classic. Well done Ms. Freedman.

  • tammy green

    Hand on hip. Check. Front knee slightly bent. Check. Not in the middle. Check. Turned slightly 3/4. Check. Not looking like you want to vomit. Check. Collette, I think you got all the bases covered. Ps. Fuck those skinny bitches. They will never know the joy of a box of mallomars. Xoxoxox

  • Maureen Lewis

    Love this article, I totally agree. I am so tired of exercising, going on every diet, losing weight, gaining weight. It is such a yo-yo way of life.Tired of it – I just want to eat to enjoy food and not to worry about what I look like afterward. Come on, there is more to life than obsessing over what you eat.

  • Taylor

    You are the funniest person I know— You should have a tv show!!!

  • Claudia Horwitz

    You had me at “red carpet.” was there anything important after that??

  • Ellen Eastwood

    How delicious! Red is certainly your color. We are in awe watching your star rise, Colette! Well done.

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